Very detailed account of Eli's Journey...

CAUTION!!!! Very detailed account of Eli's Journey.

August 2011 we found out we were expecting our 3rd child and we were so excited. We prayed for this child and God had granted our wish. Now for the journey....

My pregnancy was going just like my other two, very normal. Mood swings, tired all the time, and of course morning sickness. Normal....very normal. I went for my first appointment at 8 weeks. I got to hear the heartbeat and see the baby on the u/s machine. For all the mothers out there, there is no feeling like the feeling you get when you get to hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time.

We went through the holidays so excited and happy about our little growing family! Little were we to know that our life was about to change forever.

On November 09, 2011: I wanted to "multi-task" for my 16 week appointment so I scheduled Kaleb's appointment for that day too. I left Wyatt with someone....I couldn't tell you who now! Kaleb's appointment was first and he had to get shots that day, poor little guy but he bounced back pretty fast. Mine was next. Kaleb was running all over the room, getting into everything as the doctor was checking for a heartbeat with the Doppler. He couldn't find it and teased me about the baby hiding from him. For some reason, mother's intuition I guess, I knew that he wasn't going to find one with the U/S either. I was praying that I was wrong and held my breath as this sinking feeling started to smother me. He turned the screen towards me so I could see the baby then turned it away after a minute or so.....I knew then. I cried....I cried for my baby that was gone...I cried because I had lost someone that could never be replaced by anyone....I cried for Scott because he didn't know....I cried because Kaleb was running around the room getting into the bio hazard can....I cried!

The doctor said he was so sorry and left me to call Scott who was in class at the time, with no ride! I remember calling him and telling him that the doctor could not find a heartbeat and that I had another procedure U/S at 2:30. His friend took him home so that he could get Wyatt and come down to be with me until then. I was suppose to meet my mom for lunch that day so I went over to where she was and waited on her in their car. I wasn't sure how I was going to tell her because I knew that she would be hurt and I felt like I should have been able to do something about it. She got into the car and I just told her. She reacted like I expected her to, very sad. She called my dad and he came in to be with us till the U/S. We drove to the "duck park" in Bartlesville and waited on Scott. He got there after it seems like forever. My heart broke all over again when I looked into his eyes. What I didn't know then was that he though that the doctor just couldn't find it so we were going to do another one with someone else because they could get it. When we went into the U/S room, I asked the tech if we could get a picture of our baby....she just looked at me like I was crazy. "I will have to look at IT first and then I will let you know", she said!!!! IT!?!?!?! And what did she think my baby was...a monster? I don't care what my baby would have looked like, I still wanted to see him/her. I guess she thought it was acceptable to give us a picture. One of the most heart wrenching pictures I had ever owned of my child. It was then that reality set in for Scott and he lost it. I had never see him so broken and hurt. We left there and Chad Snider had driven down to be talk with us and see if he could help. I was numb....what else could I be at this point? I had started out my day excited to see my baby moving everywhere on the screen when all I saw was nothing....no flicker of the heart, not wiggling of the toes, nothing.

I called the doctors office and asked them what I was suppose to do now. The doctor told me that I could go into the hospital but since I was ONLY 16 weeks along he thought it would be over kill. He recommended they induce my labor and I have the baby at home. What was I suppose to say....a lot if I just would have been able to think straight right then. I did what I thought I was suppose to do per the doctor and went home.

My labor was induced on Nov. 10, 2011 around 9:00pm. Mandie and Bruce were keeping the boys that night so it was just Scott and I. We had no idea what to expect or how soon. And Scott can't handle anything "medical" so it was up to me and God. Thankfully I had been trained how to deliver a baby in paramedic class so I kind of knew what to expect. I never dreamed it would be my baby I would be delivering. We waited and waited and finally about 2:00am on 11/11/11, our baby boy was born! What a lot of people didn't and don't realize is that at 16 weeks, babies are not just a mass of cells or a clump of tissue...they are tiny little babies with ten little fingers and ten little toes. Eyes, ears and a tiny little nose. The only thing different is that they are super tiny! Yes, I had delivered a tiny baby boy that was in the arms of Jesus before I ever got to hold him.

After he was born, Scott and I decided we needed to find a name because we were not suppose to find out what we were having for another 4-6 weeks. As we sat on the couch and cried, we could not imagine that there could ever be a name perfect enough for an angel. Randomly Scot said, "what about Eli?" Eli? Where did that come from? I didn't know but thought I would look up the meaning because even though it was a cute name, the meaning was very important to me. I found that Eli means ascend! How perfect was that! We named him Eli Alfonso Pinkston.

Scott made Eli's tiny little casket and carved his name and date in the top, then he stained it a beautiful walnut color. The next day we planned a family funeral. Scot was broken that day, like I have never seen him before. I think that reality had finally set in and he realized that he would never get to see his son this side of heaven...my reality had yet to set in. We took red rose petals and sprinkled them in before we buried him and sprinkled some more on top. Dad read some scriptures and said some words, mom sang a some about heaven and we all cried. We had a balloon release for him. Everyone wrote little messages on each balloon to him. I was comforted even though I know that he didn't get that balloons or could he read those messages but at that point I was doing everything I could to take care of him in the only abnormal way I knew how. I couldn't rock him to sleep of feed him, I couldn't sing him a song, I couldn't do all the things I did with Wyatt and Kaleb. So instead I layed him on a bed of roses, sent him a message and realised him to God.

The days to follow were a nightmare. Some would ask "why, you were only 16 weeks along. He couldn't have lived even if he would have had a heartbeat." Here is what I had/have to say about that.

He was my son, one of the sons I prayed for, the one I was over joyed to know he would be joining my little family in 8 months, the one that my two little boys talked about every single day and would kiss my tummy. He might have only been as big as my hand but he left a hold the size of Texas in my heart. He was so many things, all before he was born. I will never understand why God chose my son and our family to go through this. As I went through different stages of grief, the anger one hit me pretty hard. I tried so hard not to be angry with God, Eli was his child after all and how could I be angry with a father taking his son home. But at the same time I could not understand why our son, why when we loved him, were going to raise him in a Christian home, teach him to love God with all of his heart, take care of him, and make sure that he had everything he needed. When I thought about all those babies that were to be born or were being born into families that didn't want them, would mistreat them, were living in sin and would have such a hard time. I just didn't understand. That's when my patient heavenly Father put his arms around me and said, "you don't have to understand...just trust me." To say that I have never questioned or been angry after that would be a lie. I have to admit that it has gotten easier although the last 2 months seem to be going to opposite direction.

Eli's journey ended too soon, my hopes and dreams for him never became a reality. My biggest hope and dream was fulfilled on November 11, 2011 when he made it to heaven. That is the only on that really mattered anyway. So for now, I love you son and I can't wait to see you in heaven someday!